5 Mysteries of Martvili

I’ve decided to take us on a journey into the heartland of a really magical country. It’s a country which, all of my readers know, I’m deeply connected to and have been for some time. Married to a Georgian, it means that I’ve come to call the country home, and can’t really imagine myself anywhere else long term, no matter where in the world I might jump around too. I’ll still be hanging with Georgians, going to Georgian church, eating Georgian food, and so on. So, I’ve come to face the music, I’ve basically become Georgian. It’s not so bad though, as long as I can watch the calories on my xatchapuri intake.

nothing like an old church in ancient ruins

My wife’s family is from a region of Georgia called Samegrelo. It’s what I think of as the heartland of Georgia. It’s the region where all the Greek legends of Georgia come from and even has its own language—Megrelian, which is a sister language to Georgian. Lots of Georgians think it’s just a dialect, but truth be told, Spanish and Italian are closer relatives than Georgian (Kartuli) and Megrelian. But this is an argument for another day and time, and my point really is to say how unique of a region Samegrelo is. Also, they’ve their own xatchapuri, or cheesy bread. It’s got a nice, crispier top than the usually fluffy Imeretian one, so try it if you’re ever in the country.

How to get there

The capital of Samegrelo is Zugdidi, but if I had to say where the real heartland of the region is, I’d say Martvili (this is probably because my wife’s family lives near there). Martvili is one of those towns that is just booming with tourism opportunities, and it’s really beyond me why the government hasn’t picked up on this. This means that, despite of all the sites to see, there is somewhat limited access to them, and you might be best off just finding a driver and paying him some loads of GEL to take you around. There are also tour guides that will operate out of Kutaisi to cover these places, but if you really want the real feel of the Georgian backcountry, then find some ramshackle hotel in Martvili or Senaki.

Senaki, being on the main rail line to Zugdidi, is also easier to get to than Martvili, though there are marshrutkas to Martvili from Tbilisi, Kutaisi, and Senaki. I’d advice taking the train to Senaki and a marshrutka to Martvili. If you do that, then when you get off the train, drop what little Georgian you might know at the carriage and use this phrase: “So gehreh Martvilish marshrutka?” That means, “Where is the Martvili marshrutka stand?” If you say that, some Megrelian might just be so happy that some random tourist is speaking in Megrelian that they just might drive you themselves. Or show you the marshrutka stand and buy you a beer for the trip. Or something. Both have happened to me on separate occasions.

or a cow hanging out in ancient ruins

If you’re coming to Georgia with an active family, then these are especially good sites to see, also when you add some of the things I had mentioned on my Kutaisi blog.

Martvili

Martvili, as I’ve said, has kind of been neglected on the tourist map, though places around it are really starting to get discovered, especially as cheap flights to nearby Kutaisi start picking up. It’s the biggest town in the area, which doesn’t say much, and still has a kind of Soviet Georgian feel to it. All around it are villages with lines and lines of Megrelian-style houses with inviting front yards, front balconies, and grapes everywhere. Beautiful woodwork is also a pretty common sight on those balconies, and some Megrelians have started once again taking a liking to the traditional Georgian look, so that the concrete slab places are starting to get fewer again as money starts to circulate more.

old, probably abandoned Megrelian house

In the center of town is a quaint square with a few restaurants and shops. More importantly though, there's a history museum sitting directly on it. Have a visit and discover some of the history of the region, with two floors full of archaeological artifacts found in the area. And don't worry, explanation plates are in English as well. They sometimes have a tour guide who speaks English to give you a fuller explanation.

Martvili is a good spot to base because though it’s a traditional area, it’s got some hotels and restaurants, and it has easy access to amenities a tourist might want—taxis, groceries, and so on. And also, it’s literally in the center of all these places I’m going to list for you. Here we go.

Martvili Monastery

It’s the main feature of the town. It used to be reached by the now dysfunctional cable car that stands near the center of town, but now you’ve got to either walk the hill or find a taxi. The site was on top of a hill and had been used for religious purposes long before Christianity ever came to that soil.

the main church at the monastery

The pagans had used the huge oak tree at the summit as a site for worshiping earthy gods and sacrificing children, as you do. When the place became Christianized, the hilltop residents chopped the tree down to get people to stop doing their pagan practices there and they decided to build a church. The current church dates back to the 10th century, and the interior frescoes to the 14th-17th centuries, and is one of the better preserved/restored complexes I've seen, retaining all the dark mystical attributes I've come to respect about the Orthodox religion.

beautiful work inside the main church

ancient murals are perfect for contemplation

Martvili Canyon

It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Martvili Canyon. When I was first there, there was a steep, rocky parking lot, Ladas blaring out 80s Russian music, and people just lighting fires and barbecuing wherever they could. The whole thing was that weird sort of organized chaos that Georgians thrive on.

taking a rest from paddling

Tourism has picked up though, which meant a lot of that magical weirdness has been toned down. The parking lot has been paved, the boat rentals have been made a little more orderly, and I assume there are less random barbecues (though there are a lot of great little beer gardens and outdoor barbecue cafes in the area).

selfie time

The times I was there, we either had to pay a boatman, or we found the boatman who was a cousin of a cousin and we didn’t have to pay him. As of writing this, the cost for entry and a boat ride was 25 GEL per person (cash only).

We hopped on the boat, and the journey began. The river goes down a steep canyon, full of waterfalls and sparkling waters. It’s very cool in the summers, with a nice breeze coming down and generally keeping all the horrid heat away. There’s too many people for any real swimming while doing the boat ride though, and the boats make their rotation at a steady rate. However, it is a really relaxing thing to do, and just a beautiful place to see. The water is calm, so don’t worry about falling in, unless you just really want to get wet. People do swim around at the mouth of the canyon, and there’s a little rope swing up there too (when I was there, I’m not sure how it’s changed since the paving project).

hard to beat this relaxation station

After the boat ride, walk in the opposite direction. There’s a trail that climbs down the big cliff on the backside and takes you to a quite and quaint little swimming hole and waterfall. People are often picnicking down there, and Georgians—even moreso Megrelians—tend to get aggressive with visitors, so expect to get pretty smashed drunk on wine or tchatcha.

Nokalakevi

Speaking of swimming holes, this has to be the best place in the world for an escape away from the summer heat. Imagine a cool river, a bridge to jump off of, and an ancient castle to watch over you.

Nokalakevi, or Tsihkegoji as others might call it, was settled long before any records were written.

pebble beach vacation and ancient ruins, two birds and... lots of stones

entering the old ruins

The town was developed as a fortress and center for trade by the local duke, or eristavi, named Kuji, sometime in the 3rd century BC. It came to prominence as a major fortress town in the time of the Byzantine protectorate of the Kingdom of Lazika, where it served to protect Lazika from the invading Persians back in the 6th century AD.

stairway to heaven

Inside the ruins are a hot springs, the ruins of a Roman bath house, the still active Forty Martyrs Church, huge walls, and lots of other pieces of rubble to explore.

ancient Roman baths

Next to the ruins is a quite interesting museum which features a wide collection of artifacts found at the site, along with Georgian and English script explaining their significance, and also a shallow primer on the history of the ancient Kingdoms of Colcheti, Lazika, and Samegrelo. A real must visit for any interested in history.

inside the museum

Okatse Canyon

For the nature lovers, there’s Okatse Canyon just over the border of Imereti (and not far from that, there’s Georgia’s tallest waterfall, Khinchkha). Not long ago, they decided to make a real place out of Okatse and they’ve been going to extensive lengths—short of providing easy ways for tourists to get there—to develop it. For anyone visiting the region though, it’s a must-see.

the beginning of the bridge

I’ve been to this one twice myself, and each time their investments were clearly advancing. The fee for foreigners is 15 GEL, and is paid at an entrance building that has a big plastic map of the gorge. Then you take a peaceful walk through a rather large forest recreation area, where people are camping, barbecuing, playing soccer, and so on. For this, you don’t even have to worry about bringing water, as there are plenty of people there selling drinks, meat, and watermelon as you go.

The peaceful walk takes a nosedive nearly straight down, but with nice views of the foothills around. Then it goes up and you get to the canyon.

walking along

They built a long bridge following the length of the canyon, which ends at an overlook. This is not for people scared of heights, as you can look almost 50 meters straight down.

not if you're afraid of heights

The way back is a pretty rigorous hike up. If you’re feeling too lazy or if you’re in a rush, you can always just hire someone to drive you the distance to the canyon for 50 GEL or so. It’s really not such a terrible hike, as it’s all paved and relatively short, but if you’ve been drinking lots of wine and tchatcha the night before, like I had been both times, then it can be a bit of a doozy.

at the platform

I haven’t been to Kinchkha myself, but I hear it’s pretty impressive and is definitely on my list.

To get there you’ll have to take a marshrutka to Khoni and then to Gordi, where you’ll have to take a taxi for 30 GEL. Though you can probably arrange a driver from Martvili for less than 50 GEL to take you to both.

Dadiani Palace (Salkhino)

This is a tough one to list. It’s a very short drive from Martvili and is composed of two really beautifully composed buildings. The main building, the palace, was a summer residence of the royal Dadiani family, built in the 19th century. “Salkhino” means festive, and as the founder, Levan Dadiani was known as quite the partier, it seems a proper name.

imagine the old parties at that pad

The residence was recently bought buy the church, who graciously upkeeps it and doesn’t allow visitors to come in and tour. But they are free to walk around the peaceful and beautiful grounds. They run a monastery on the grounds as well, which is also a beautiful building, and in more of the traditional Georgian style.

the monastery next door

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#hiking #Martvili #Samegrelo #churches #touristicsites #parks

A Facetious Guide to Kutaisi

Recently another blogger friend of mine over at his blog, Fill That Passport, went to Georgia. His route took him only to Kutaisi, and then to some sites around Kutaisi. What fascinated me was that most people in Georgia never really think of Kutaisi itself as a tourist destination, even though it definitely is, but still, this guy made it so.

With a beautifully recently renovated old town, its close proximity to half-a-dozen tourist sites, cheap Wizzair flights from Europe that go as low as 9 euros, and low price of food, wine, and tours, it’s really set to take over as Georgia's leading destination.

What even impressed me more though was that he was able to get to some pretty hidden but spectacular sites that Georgia has to offer, which I don’t think ever make it on a top ten list. I think that’s just amazing myself and says a lot for the potential of the area.

Colchis Fountain in Kutaisi and the theatre, with Bagrati in the background

A bit of history

Kutaisi was the capital of the ancient Kingdom of Colchis, famous for where Jason and the Argonauts landed to get his golden fleece, and where he found his future bride and murderous maiden Medea. It was later the capital of the Kingdom of Georgia during the short period it was a unified country, and then for three centuries, it served as the capital of the Kingdom of Imereti. It now serves as the seat of the Parliament, where they built a giant, snail-like cosmo-dome on the city limits from which to rule the country. It was an economic powerhouse in the Soviet days, until the fall of the USSR, when the factories all closed their doors, but since the Parliament’s relocation, it’s been witnessing something of a renaissance.

a view of Kutaisi from Bagrati

I’ve visited Kutaisi three times. The first time was for a week, as I was there to lead a teachers’ training, the second time I was there just a night, coming in with a friend from the epically awesome village of Chiatura (read my blog here), and finally, another time just before my wedding. I’m by no means an expert, but I can say I’ve been around the Kutaisi block, so to speak.

A first peak

That first time I was there I was staying in a new area, which didn’t really seem that new or interesting. It was a short walk to the school where I was teaching, so that was fine enough. Having lived in Tbilisi, I didn’t have high hopes for Kutaisi. Tbilisi people give the town a bad rap. They go on about how it’s a city of criminals and scoundrels, and that there’s absolutely no reason to ever go to Kutaisi.

They couldn’t be more wrong.

My initial introduction to Kutaisi had met my low expectations. I was staying on the sixth floor of a newly built hotel without a lift, right near a long avenue of Soviet buildings.

Leave it to say, I didn’t think the rest of the trip would be that great. When the office worker asked me to accompany her downtown, out of boredom and only mild interest I accepted. My students also offered to take me to the main tourist site, Bagrati, on my last day. So at least I would see something of interest while I was there, and Kutaisi - outside of the working view - wouldn’t be a complete waste of my “cultural” time spent in these last few weeks of Georgia.

View of the Rioni river

The office aid had to buy some ink for the computer, so I went with her to the office shop. We hopped on the line 1 bus (which goes at least from McDonald’s to the Old Town, passing a scenic palm tree lined street of Soviet buildings) and got off just at the start of the Old Town. There had clearly a lot of money spent in revitalizing the Old Town. It is actually all quite nice now, and not just a Potemkin village facade rehaul, but something that feels more true to the locale.

street in the old town

Since the renovations, Kutaisi’s inner city is crowded with restaurants and beer gardens, some which also line the Rioni River, which lazily makes its way through the center of town. A look at the houses and hotels hanging off the river gives one a sense of what Tbilisi had looked like before the Soviet Union had torn up the center to make highways for the ease of traffic flow (apparently not the best planning giving the current situation). The way that Georgians seem to excel at making buildings hang off impossible places is what inspires me the most about Georgian architecture. Never mind the nervousness that they also inspire in me, knowing the modern building standards in the country.

The crown of the Old Town is the fountain, which is in the center of the traffic circle in front of the Opera House, itself a handsome building. The fountain, a cornerstone of development during Mikheil “Fontanadze” Saakashvili’s reign as President, has various ancient Georgian symbols in gold plating circling the center - rams and bulls face outward, protecting its core of water, while streams come forth from between the figures.

Kutaisi Central Square

The statues are replicas of actual artifacts found in the area from the Bronze Age. Visible peaking up behind the fountain and the Opera House is the giant Bagrati Cathedral, which seems to be visible from almost every point of the city, as adding to its enormous size, it’s built on the main hill of the city, where also was once the main fortress of the ruler of the land.

Bagrati

The last day, my students took me to Bagrati to show off the crown of Kutaisi. Bagrati, or the Cathedral of the Dormition, was built under the order of King Bagrat III back in the 11th century, and was in vastly deteriorated form when the Soviet Union fell and the property was returned to the Georgian Church.

11th century Bagrati

Here, at the cathedral, my new enthusiasm for the city wavered a bit. I’ll have to admit that Bagrati is a huge cathedral by any standard, and that once upon a time, the gigantic construction must have also had some sort of airy, mystical allure to it. But not so much now. The renovation of the building has been somewhat caught in a tempestuous scandal, especially as UNESCO threatened to remove it from the cultural heritage list, as it reared dangerously close to not looking very much like the original structure. Much of the building now is new and whitewashed, bearing none of the regal glory that the building had centuries before, lacking most of the finely carved and detailed walls that now only are born on two or three columns.

view of Bagrati from the back

I’m not sure if it’s simply the lack of skilled stonemasons in modern Georgia, or if the thirst of new and modern made those in charge of the renovations simply overlook what makes a church great. And so I think, insofar as churches in Georgia go, Bagrati falls into a place of now nearly un-noteworthy sites (unless you happen to be in Kutaisi, then you might as well see it). See Svetitskhoveli or Alaverdi if you want huge, mystical places, or for more intimate religious spaces, then the nearby Gelati. Bagrati remains a controversy, and not at all mystical. But from viewing the place, I’m left with the feeling that, had the building been left in disrepair and collapse, in the condition that it was in, there would be still more of the feeling of God than what I get with its renewed state. If you like ruins though, and imagining how rubbly old castles once were, then the ruins next door are worth a look.

Bagrati from the ruins of the old castle

The second time I was in Bagrati just before my wedding. My friend and I ventured off to explore the castle ruins right next to it. The ruins seem somewhat forgotten by the locals, but are fun to hop around. We climbed up the wall and looked down at a huge complex of ruined castle, with one small chapel standing in the middle in a protest against time. There was no way to get down to it from on top of the wall, but then we found a path that went past Bagrati and around the wall so that you could walk among the stone ruins. This was, I found, probably the most interesting thing for me at Bagrati.

the medieval chapel near Bagrati

the old fortress mount

Gelati

We went to Gelati on the trip just before my wedding.

As is the custom with Georgian taxi drivers, our driver didn’t seem to know exactly where Gelati was. We ended up driving for a good thirty minutes through the outskirts of Kutaisi, asking ever birja-dwelling kaci where it was, and all of them pointing vehemently, “That way!”

We kept going that way, and at a curious sign, saying Gelati was both to the right and straight ahead, we turned toward the right. As our station wagon lugged and blugged its way through narrow, unpaved roads, with houses in various shapes of disrepair, I began to loudly doubt our choice of journey. “I don’t think this is the right way, guys,” I said.

the Gelati monastic complex

We stopped. The driver got out and consulted a woman standing on her balcony in nothing but a towel. He then nodded and brought us back to the sign where we chose the other direction for Gelati.

my best man walking from the bell tower

Gelati is nearly as old as Bagrati, dating back to the time of David the Builder in the 11th and 12th centuries, who decided to build a "New Athens" - a new center for learning and religion - this decision being made in next week’s mentioned monastery at Martvili. The place now is under renovation, but not in the same manner that brought to me and UNESCO such contention as Bagrati.

the interiors are full of beautifully painted murals:

The renovations at Gelati seem a lot more suited and faithful to the original form of the monastery, and preserve the old and mysterious tone of the places. However, they seem to be taking a rather long time, due to the controversy wrapped around the UNESCO status.

renovations are a constant at the site

Prometheus and Sataplia

My next choice for our journey were the Prometheus caves. The Prometheus caves were discovered recently and were named after the Greek god who was allegedly chained down at the feet of Mt. Khvamili for an eternity of vultures picking out his eyes because he brought humans fire.

walking through Sataplia

The Prometheus caves are evidently huge and you can rent a boat - yes, a boat! - to get through them. This really for me would be the highlight of that trip, since I had never been in a cave on a boat. As we were driving there, the driver kept asking us, “You are sure you don’t mean Sataplia? I’ve never heard of Prometheus.” And several times again he had to stop the car to ask directions. Finally, we found the caves. Evidently you can be there on any day but Monday, and it was a Monday.

“I can drive you guys to Sataplia,” the driver offered. I might note here that these places are on Google Maps, so don't be too afraid of my driver stories. And most Georgian drivers, like this guy, are pretty accommodating.

another view of the kiddy caves

So, instead of the awesome, underground Styxian cave, we went to the nearby Sataplia, which I'll label here as the "children's cave". The Children’s Cave, to round out its title, even comes complete with dinosaur footprints and the tour includes standing next to man-sized statues of the giant lizards for photo-ops. The Georgian name of “Sataplia” was given due to some cave bees creating gigantic sucrose catacombs of honey in the cliff sides. Well, when we were shown the outer layer, they didn’t appear so gigantic, but “gigantic” is a relative term and bees are quite small.

The next year, my wife decided to make my dream of visiting Prometheus come true. So the family took us there. The cave truly is massive – by any measure, much more massive than Sataplia. It's a 1.2 kilometer underground walk. However, we didn’t get to get a boat. Apparently, the water only rises high enough on certain days after the rains, so if you want to do cave boating, you’ll have to go in Spring or Fall. You can call ahead to see if the boats are working, with the contact on their website.

the much grander Prometheus caves

the natural color and the foot of a lake

the colors are added by light, not natural to the rock

If you’ve got kids, I’d go to Sataplia. If you’re an adult interested in spelunking, I think Prometheus makes the better tour then.

To get there from Kutaisi, take a marshrutka from the market near McDonald's to Tskaltubo. There's a connecting bus from there to Prometheus (Promete).

Where to eat

When I was there, there was a restaurant right next to the fountain, Baraqa. I took the menu and found something I had never seen before - Abkhazuli xatchapuri (Abkhazian cheesebread). I consider myself something of an expert on xatchapuri, eagerly devouring any before me and having tried every xatchapuri known to any Tbiliseli, and this was not on that list. So I insisted on ordering it. What came out was something like an Adjaruli xatchapuri, a boat of bread with cheese, egg and butter in the center. With the Abkhazuli xatchapuri though, the egg was lacking. It was a seriously delicious meal though, and I think that for any xatchapuri fans who find themselves in Kutaisi, they need to head to Baraqa. Actually, including the taste and size of the salad, I’d have to say that it ranks among one of my favorite restaurants in all of Georgia. Definitely worth making a pit stop that includes more than just McDonald’s.

Abkhazuli xatchapuri at Baraqa, your only regret will be the carbs

I went to another restaurant there called El Paso. Here I thought I was lucking out and there was a hidden gem of a Mexican restaurant in this unlikely corner of the road. But despite its strangely Hispanic name, El Paso is actually - surprise! - a Georgian restaurant. With really delicious khinkali (Georgian dumplings). Which falls possibly second in my best tasting khinkali in Georgia list. So hit Baraqa on your way to Samegrelo, Svaneti, or Batumi and El Paso on your way back. You’ll thank me for that advice.

Frankly, if you're driving through Kutaisi, there is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't do a quick stop in the old town, at the very least for lunch. You won't regret it.

How to get around

In Georgia, tourism infrastructure revolves around the idea that tourists should just hire a tour guide or take a taxi everywhere. In a land where taxi drivers are regular swindlers, I can’t really advise you on the best practice if you don’t know Georgian or Russian. Younger tour operators will know English, so that might be your best bet.

If you’re feeling courageous and patient though, go with a taxi. Be prepared to have to write numbers down and haggle a lot and over everything.

I really wish there were some easy routes to these places, but as far as I know, there aren’t (if anyone reading this blog knows some, please drop them in the comments and I’ll update the blog).

To get to and from Kutaisi is a different matter though. The safest way is by train. There’s an overnight and morning train from Tbilisi that drops you at the main station, which is only a short walk to the Old Town. Then there’s various other on the way trains, which takes about three or four hours, but drops you in little villages along the south end – Ajameti, Rioni, Brotseula – and depending on the train route, to Kutaisi II station. You can check the schedule and buy tickets online here.

Going to Kutaisi from Tbilisi, if you don’t want the overnight or morning route, you’ll have to look for Kutaisi II or one of those villages, but be warned, transit from those other stops might be impossible. Leaving Kutaisi, my preference is to take a taxi to Rioni Railway and wait for the next train to come in. That’ll cost anywhere from 10 lari to 10 euros, so be prepared.

There are, much more inefficiently, about a billion mini-buses going to and from Tbilisi as well, most leaving from the Didube metro station. The mini-buses, or marshrutkas, are only for the most adventurous of travelers, and you’ll be exposed to all bouquets of smells, loud 80s Russian music, cigarette smoke from the driver, and many near death experiences. 10 times out of 10 it will get you to a final destination. It’s easily the most convenient of the means of transport, but if you can take a train, then I’d vote for the train.

One last note. From the airport, it’s super easy to get to both Tbilisi and Kutaisi. For Kutaisi, there are marshrutkas that leave for the city every twenty minutes. There are a bit higher standard marshrutkas too that you can reserve a spot on, run by Georgian Bus.

Stay tuned next week for my review of a village in the heartland of the Georgian region of Samegrelo, Martvili. And if you want to read another amazing place to see in Georgia, read my blog on Chiatura.

#Kutaisi #touristicsites #churches #castles #restaurants

The Metro and Monuments of Paris

When I first went to Paris, I hated it. It was back in the day when I was Couchsurfing across Europe, and it was right when Couchsurfing was transitioning to Sexsurfing. This meant that creepy waves of men were using the site to just find hookups, like a proto-Tinder, rather than legitimate places to stay and make new acquaintances.

As men caught onto this tactic, they started writing disclaimers on their sites, “Females only”, and as women started catching onto this, they started writing disclaimers on their sites, “Females only.” This was especially true in Paris. Even though traveling with such an odd instrument as an accordion usually made Couchsurfing easy, it didn’t in Paris at that time.

the streets near St. Severin

That meant I had to either do a hostel or use something like Airbnb (this was before the days of Airbnb). Hostels are not cheap in Paris. The cheapest one I found was for the same price as a private apartment. So I went with the private apartment. Perhaps I would have liked Paris better in a hostel, where at least I’d have a group of people to hang out with, rather than pondering my time away alone, writing a book that would never be, cooking eggs for most meals, and drinking wine on the street by myself.

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I went to Strasbourg next, and now it’s easily my favorite city in France. I also scrounged up my money and splurged on a fancy hotel, so that might have been part of it. Though also it’s just a really beautiful city. Check out my blog on it here.

Strasbourg is easy to love

Fast forward nearly 6 years and everything is different. Now I was able to explore the city with a woman I love, and it didn’t seem so expensive anymore either. Now I’m a fan.

My last blog I mentioned how on the first day, we were able to hit most of the major sites.

But Paris is a really difficult city to manage in just a day. Though we did make our best with it. On the second day, we were actually trying to figure out what to do. Our flight to New Orleans wasn’t until the next day, so we had some time to rest and hang around. First order of business then was coffee.

Breakfast

As we were staying near the Pantheon, it made perfect sense to head down to to Cafe Delmas at Place de la Contrescape to start out our day. Contrescape is a cute plaza filled with trees and surrounded by little picturesque buildings with chairs spilling out onto the sidewalks. In fact, much of the main street it’s on, the Rue Mouffetard, fits that description. It’s pretty easy to find a café there to fill you up for breakfast, with croissants, omelets, and coffee, for under 10 euros. In fact, probably the only thing affordable in France to eat is breakfast.

Our day was a bit more ambitious. We would jump on the metro and head to Montmartre, then walk to the Arc du Triomphe, head down to the Seine, and if we’ve got time and energy, hit up the Musee D’Orsay. Perfectly achievable, yeah?

Using the metro

Paris’s metro map, at first sight, looks like an Italian pasta dish. It’s just kind of thrown together, random at best, designed by a mad man at worst. Back in my first days in Paris, it was long before Google Maps and one had to stand in the metro staring at a wall map quite hopelessly.

But now with Google Maps, traveling on transit is made ridiculously easy. It tells you the quickest route, where to make the changes, what directions to go in, and so on. For any American, or anyone at all, traveling, it’s paramount you’ve got an unlocked phone and access to Google Maps. This entirely opens up your world, and ensures you’re never lost, though sometimes it’s good to be a little lost.

metro never looked so tasty

If you don’t have access to a data plan and Google Maps, then hook up to wifi and use the RATP page or RATP app to navigate ahead of time. Jot down your travel plans, download their map, and head on out. There is literally absolutely no reason that you should be lost when traveling in this day and age. At least, not in Europe.

That said, it’s a basic metro. You go to a machine at the station, buy a ticket, go through the turnstiles, get on the train. If you don’t want to deal with a machine, all the major stations have a lady at a ticket booth who may or may not speak English (probably won’t), so be patient because you’re in France and you should be speaking French anyway. Use your fingers, make noises, pantomime, and don’t forget to smile. Frankly though, if you don’t speak French, probably the machines are a better option, it has an English language button.

From the machine, if you’re planning on using the metro a lot (two days, from and to the airport, for example), then it might be best to buy the Paris Visite pass, which starts at about 15 dollars and gets you unlimited access to the metro.

Approach the turnstiles, put the ticket into the slot. It comes out the slot. The turnstile—which is more of a plastic door—pops open, and slams closed, so move your butt! Also, there is probably already a long line of angry Frenchmen forming behind you, and they’re not entirely afraid to push you out of the way.

If you’re nervous, sit back and watch. Then repeat what you see.

You can also get this Paris City Pass from GetYourGuide, which includes the metro and a slew of museum entries.

Montmartre – Sacre Coeur

The best way up Montmartre to Sacre Coeur, I think, is the back way. It’s also a nice way to see another neighborhood and maybe grab some coffee. Get off the metro at Chateau Rouge, and then find your way across all the zig-zag intersections, up some stairs, then up around the backside and then bam, open your eyes to an insane, nearly 360-degree view of Paris. The only impediments to your view is a tree and a giant cathedral towering over you.

the back route has its view

If there’s one church to see the inside of in Paris, it’s the Sacre Coeur. I’ve been to both Notre Dame and Sacre Couer, and believe me, hands down, Sacre Coeur takes the cake. Or tart. Or macaroon.

The building itself looks very Middle Eastern or Byzantine in architecture, so maybe even to the original form of the religion, and a far cry from the usual French Gothic style that litters France. It was built at the heart of the Paris Commune as a way to teach them who’s boss, back in 1875, and wasn’t finished until World War I.

Byzantine is so in right now

The Paris Commune was a bunch of Commies that took advantage of Napoleon III’s miserable failure during the Franco-Prussian War (which served as a kind of pre-World War I, with drastically different results, which kind of set up World War I). The biggest result of that war was the creation of a unified German Empire, or a Second Reich, for those using the Hitler method of counting.

the Sacred Heart has my heart

Anyway, Montmartre was the site where the Commies killed the Archbishop of Paris, and that’s ultimately the reason for the church to be built there. The Third Republic, for those using the de Gaulle method of counting, was all about Moral Order and Catholicism, as they saw that France kept losing their position because they lost their religion and morality. A far cry from how most French people feel today.

More this, less Pompepoop, please

Since 1885, which is before they had even completed construction, they’ve been displaying the Blessed Sacrament in the church continually, not even stopping for world wars. It’s in the Guinness Book of World records now, I’m sure.

enjoying the view

L’eglise de la Madelaine

En route to the Arc de Triomphe is a site I didn’t care about, the Moulin Rouge. But I hear lots of tourists love to view its fake windmill and overpriced titty shows. To each their own. You can order one of their shows on GetYourGuide. The next landmark worth seeing is the Church of Mary Magdalene, or La Madeleine. It’s about a 45-minute walk there through a fairly dry and boring part of the city during the day, during the night, I imagine all the Moulin Rouge-lites we passed opened up their doors and welcomed their clientele.

The entrance to La Madeleine

If you hit up the route to Eglise de La Trinite, and then go through the area around Galeries Lafayette, then the place cleans up real fast, so I'd recommend following that route.

La Madeleine is a massive building which resembles an ancient Roman temple. At first view of this thing, I couldn’t tell what it was. Had the French built a monument to Jupiter? Or was this another science church, like the Pantheon?

inside La Madeleine

When the church was at last set for construction in 1763, it was to be modeled after the Roman Pantheon, and when the Revolution came around, they stopped the construction, not really sure what they wanted built there. So they tore it down. Then Napoleon stepped up his game. He was going to build a Temple to the Glory of the Great Army and wanted it to look like an ancient Roman temple, hence its current look.

When the monarchy was restored, Catholicism swung back in vogue, and the King returned it to being what it was originally planned to be, the Church of Mary Magdalene, and so it continues to be today.

Arc de Triomphe

From La Madeleine, it’s a super easy jaunt to the Champs Elysees and the fortress that is the American Embassy. Seriously, the more I travel in Europe, the more I get annoyed with the Fortress America pattern of our embassies, where there has to be military coverage spilling out for a quarter mile around every capitol cities' major monuments. It’s the only embassy system in the world like that. Before I was annoyed with the Fortress America in Tbilisi being way out in the middle of nowhere, but I’ve come to like that better, if they have to play toy soldiers and all.

Everyone's favorite arch

The Champs Elysees seems to go on forever. If you really must see the Arc, I might even suggest just taking the metro. But no, we were stubborn folk and determined to walk it, no matter how much our feet were blistering, no matter how hot we were, no matter how much of an ice cream we needed.

Easy fix. Quick. That’s the name of the French rival to McDonald’s. And they make awesome ice creams.

The Arc de Triomphe was another monolithic military piece commissioned by Napoleon, though it wasn’t finished for another 30 years. Its Roman influence is clear, it’s based on the triumphal arches of the ancient Roman emperors, and carries the Germans-are-barbarians trope, along with the French-are-nude-lover-boys trope. Really, the carvings are kind of a weird thing, because when it comes down to German barbarians versus naked Frenchmen, I’d put my money on the German barbarians 99 times out of 100.

What we do at night

We decided to splurge a little bit and hit the restaurant district around Boulevard Saint-Michel, on the Saint-Severin Church side. There's a super cute area filled with sidewalk restaurants and shops. The restaurants are all actually surprisingly affordable, but also all highly touristic. The waiters stand outside like touts, and for the most part every restaurant is the same. They at least list their specials on tablets outside. Go for happy hour to catch the real deals, or just go for a stroll and then head somewhere else.

Near Saint Severin at happy hour

The night before, we spent romantically watching the sunset at the Eiffel Tower, and saw how it magically transformed into a glittering megalith of glitz and holiday.

drinking with the locals

Now, we’d take a walk along the banks of the Seine, and again sit down with a bottle of wine. This was a grand idea, until my wife in all of her elegance, accidentally threw our cups into the river. Now we were sitting like two winos, but no matter, half of France was sitting on the banks of the Seine like winos. C’est la vie.

some more folk relaxing

making like a wino

You really can't beat this view

If you haven't yet, don't forget to read my first ode to Paris, 5 Things in a Day in Paris.

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#Paris #touristicsites #history #churches #traveltips