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The Polish Empire was built on salt. Back in medieval days, before the discovery of America and when the spice trade wasn’t always linked up and supplying the quickest, most premium quality of service, Europe was in a real pickle for tasty food. Really, all they had was meat, grapes, cheese, pickles, and pickled cheese (try some nakladni hermelin next time you visit Prague). All this to say, that they needed some flavor, and without refrigeration for the most part, they needed salt. Salt was the medieval "white gold".

Outside of the Polish city of Krakow, there is one such salt-based city that was the center of the Polish Empire for centuries, and was the wealth of it for nearly a millennium: the Wieliczka Salt Mine.

one of many many tunnels

Shortly after posting a blog about Krakow, we decided to head back to the town and explore the darker quarters far underneath one of its chief suburbs. The trek we made was about 3 kilometers long underground, and that was barely 2% of the mines. Just try to imagine that in your head. The place is massive!

Romance in the Salt

The Wieliczka Salt Mine opened in the 13th century and was active until a few decades ago, when it closed due to safety issues and the fact that tourism rakes in more money than salt these days.

The salt mine was started by the Hungarian Princess Kinga, who had been betrothed to the great and funnest nobleman at parties, Boleslaw the Chaste. She must have been real excited about this, because when her father was giving her a tour of a salt mine before she left – as we know all little princesses love salt mines – she decided to throw her engagement ring down one of the shafts.

salt carvings of the foundation story

Princess Kinga took off for Krakow to meet her betrothed, sans wedding ring. I can’t imagine Boleslaw was that impressed, and apparently Princess Kinga wanted to make it up to him. So she took his best shaft diggers out to a fairly boring part of land and told them to start digging.

Digging they did until they hit pay dirt. Or pay salt. Princess Kinga bent down and picked up a lump of that salt, which magically contained her engagement ring! Prince Boleslaw rejoiced so much that he married Kinga and they decided to both lead lives of chastity, thus ending the Lesser Piast branch of Polish nobility.

burning out excess methane gas

The miners of Wieliczka had a great deal of rights. Only free males were allowed down there, and they were compensated a great deal, leading to a number of wealthy guilds and families that tied their fortunes to the Polish crown and mines. Mining was an obviously difficult task, with methane gas build ups that had to be carefully burned out, along with collapses and slipping down steep chasms into the darkness below. As for the methane, we can only guess where that came from. Yes, miner farts were a huge source of danger in the salt mines.

The tour

The tour doesn’t need reserving, but can be, and if you’re a foreigner just jump into the foreigner line, which takes about 10 minutes, and reserve the next English-speaking tour, which happen every half hour. Other languages aren’t quite as lucky, and the Polish language tour had an absurdly long line. So even if you’re Polish, avoid that one and just do the English language one. If you're more particular about your linguistics, be sure to check the times at their website and book ahead.

the shaft down

The tour begins at the shaft. It goes straight down for what seems like an hour, just an endless chain of wooden steps. There are frequent stops because of the tours ahead, but be patient and read and write as much graffiti as you can. You come out of the shaft into a room that was dug out in 1635 and is some 64 meters below ground. That should be the first thing that blows your mind.

As the guide takes you through the chambers, it looks like the walls and floor are made of smooth granite, ornamented with dark granite statues. They’re not. They’re all made of salt. Everything is salt down there, and they’ve truly done some of the most incredible and impressive things with salt. They carved it to make it look like bricks and statues, horse stables, churches, engravings, and even chandeliers. The guide even invites you to test it and taste it, except where the statues are concerned, since the salt mine is understandably not so keen on having their statues eaten.

a monument to the mine's most famous visitor: Copernicus

The only thing that isn’t made of salt down there is the wood, and there’s a lot of that. It’s used to smooth out the terrain and make level platforms, walls, and supports. This is especially important when you reach the huge cavernous territories that miners were slipping down with the stairs only mildly carved into the salt. Many of the miners died in the descent, so it can’t be expected that tourists would be good at dealing with wet, salty ground.

wood stairs versus salt stairs

The tour of the mines descended three levels. On each level, there was a crank that was used to bring up loads of salt, and at one point they demonstrate how it worked. At various places in the mine, they’d use men to push the crank, and for the heavier loads, they’d have horses set up. At the horse stables, the guide explained how horses were born and lived their entire lives in the mines.

salt statues of a miner and his horse

There are statues spread throughout the mines. Some depicting scenes from Polish history, others of the mine’s history, and others with religious purposes. Indeed, there are two chapels on display in the tour, one small one with a salt crucifix, and one giant one that’s still used for mass and to hold weddings in. That’s right, you too can get married 90 meters underground in a salt church. Worried about the reception? Don’t worry, there’s a completely modernized party hall in the mines too, a bit further down and near the elevator shaft.

a saltine crucifix, not your last in a mine with a still functioning Catholic church

Also among the statues are a lot of scenes of dwarves. Dwarves were prominent in miner mythology, as that many miners believed that they would come out at night while the miners were gone and help them do their work. The sodium statues serve as a tribute to their salty helpers.

Hi-ho, hi-ho, we're off to work we go!

After 3 kilometers, passing through churches, across underground lakes of brine, and a modern auditorium, cafeteria, and kid’s playroom, you’re finally set to leave. But don’t worry, you don’t have to go up all those stairs again, they’ve a lift. That’s about another kilometer away, taking your tour to nearly 4 kilometers of walking through tunnels underground. And remember, that’s only 2% of the mine!

underground lake complete with a Chopin soundtrack

The room that will leave you with the greatest sense of awe is the main chapel though. It still conducts weekly services and weddings, and is arrayed with statues and carvings that were done by two brother miners in the 1800s.

the great chapel

the altar

A carving of the Last Supper

For the kids

There’s an alternate tour available, that trains you and your kids how to be a salt miner! It teaches you to properly wield a pick, load it into a trolley, and push it on down. I assume. We didn’t take this tour, and it follows a different path than the primary one, but I would think it would be the way more awesome tour if you’ve got your littluns around.

Getting there

The mine can be a little difficult to find. Be sure to mark it on your GPS and follow directly to where it says, because there are other things in the area that certainly look like a mine, and will advertise itself as something connected to the mine, and will gladly take your money. But the actual entrance is clearly marked on Google Maps, so follow it to a T. Street parking may even be available near the mine entrance, so don't park at the first parking lot you see like we did, which actually might be far away.

the "observation tower". not the entrance to the mine.

Alternatively, you could take the train from Krakow to Dworzec PKP Wielicka-Rynek-Kopalnia line, which starts at the Krakow airport, goes to the main central train station, and then finishes at Wielicka. Actually, if I go again, this will be my preferred method out there.


The Louvre, Paris, France, one of the world's largest art museums

Everybody knows the Louvre. It’s the unequivocally gigantic art museum of nearly 782,000 square feet that used to be the home of the late French high nobility. Built first as a fortress in the 12th century, by the 16th century it was a sprawling palatial complex that served as the king’s primary residence, but for Louis XIV, the most pompous of a pompous line of kings, the palace wasn’t enough and he had it moved out to Versailles. It was then used to house the king’s private art collection, and various salons of the Parisian intelligentsia. Since the Revolution, it’s served as the museum it currently is, with collections of various sizes depending on the power and range of the French Empire/Republic of the time.

The most famous piece in the Louvre is DaVinci’s “Mona Lisa”, a fairly boring piece that doesn’t even range among the artist’s best, but you know, the artist painted in a "mysterious smile" on his homely subject that's somehow dazzled millions ever since. There’s also a very broad range of his student’s studying how to draw people pointing, and more interestingly for me, David’s portraits of Napoleon and the various French Revolutions. There are hordes of people that are clearly there for only that painting though, so obviously, you just have to see it for yourself. Don’t expect being able to get close, as more people are crowding in to see it than if Leonardo Dicaprio were spotted eating gelato at the Eiffel Tower.

The Mona Lisa at the Louvre. Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

The Mona Lisa and her throngs of admirers

To really grasp most of the museum, you’ll need a full day or two. But it is possible to do a lightning tour of the most interesting stuff. Most of the museum isn’t art, but rather recreations of Napoleon III’s apartments, with all the glory and circumstance of his position, then there’s also a massive collection of stolen Greek and Roman statues. So if you’ve seen examples of those things elsewhere, like say the much superior collection of stolen goods at the British Museum, then you’ve no reason to attend to the Louvre’s.

First thing you should do is to go straight up to the top to the Northern Europe collection (read: Dutch). The Dutch collection houses a pretty impressive amount of Rembrandts and van Eyck (including the one where the woman is wearing that blue headpiece thing). Among the Rembrandt’s is a naked woman lounging around while an old lady is washing her feet, which must have been a common thing back during the Golden Age of the Dutch Republic.

naked lady having a manicure, by Rembrandt. Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

"You, get naked, you, wash her feet," Rembrandt said.

There’s also just some outright weird stuff that doesn’t belong anywhere outside a Dutch ecstasy coated rave party, like this exercise in psychedelic angel art, the likes I haven’t seen rivaled outside a bathroom in Fussen, Bavaria, where there was a cupid eating an ice cream surrounded by other ice cream cones.

weird psychedelic angels, Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

"Fear not, I come bearing peace and drugs," sayeth the angel

Then jump down a level, run across the apartments to the opposite wing where the Italian collection is. There is some beautiful lavishness going on there, but make sure to not get lost or you’ll find your way widdling away hours in a nightmare vertigo akin to that angel painting.

the Louvre dining room set. Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

It's hard to see why the French offed the kings

Do your DaVinci thing, and keep in mind that the Mona Lisa is off in a room on the right. There are lots of signs leading to it, because they know that’s what you’re there for. But don’t mind the gargantuan and ever more impressive “Wedding at Cana” by Veronese, nevermind that though because probably you’ve never heard of the guy. Also look for my new favorite painting, what I like to call the Big Gay Jesus, which is on the left side of the main hall.

Gay Jesus in the Louvre, Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

Who said gays were underrepresented in Christianity?

Then onward to the Spanish collection just down the hall, where there’s some guy admiring a view of Hell, which is all that’s really needed to be seen there. Cross to the other wing and catch the David collection, and you’re done.

What to Eat? Paris by any means is an expensive city. The museum is even moreso. At 20 euros to enter, don’t expect anything cheap for lunch (or tasty, for that matter). There is however an underground mall connected to the Louvre, with entry on the far side of the river near the road between the pyramid and the victory arch there. Underground you can find McDonald’s and other cheap and quick eats.

The Force is Strong American Tourister ad

Getting In This is my most important advice to you. On any good day, you’ll have to wait at least an hour to get inside. The much better thing is to go to the Louvre website and order your ticket in advance. It’s 3 euros cheaper. You only have to book your time, but you can enter early or late, they’re really not at all strict about it. Booking ahead allows you to completely skip the line and go straight in.

The pyramid entrance of the Louvre. Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

The Louvre from the second floor cafe

Getting There

The Louvre is hard to miss, as it takes up about half the city. Just walk along the river towards the center of the city until you find a building that seems to never end. You’ve found it.

Everybody knows the Louvre and the Mona Lisa. But here are some tips for managing your tour for just a few hours and beating the lines. Read all about it on the blog, www.saintfacetious.com

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